If there’s one certainty in the professional world, it’s that success is rarely a solo endeavor. We need teams and partners to make progress happen — but it has to be with the right people. Designing alliances is a valuable tool for defining the parameters of a given relationship, clarifying expectations, and establishing a strong communication channel.
As an intentional agreement between two or more parties, a designed alliance builds an active, living container that changes over time as the relational needs evolve. It ultimately helps all members get what they want and need from the relationship.
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The Benefits of Designing an Alliance
All relationships can benefit from a designed alliance. It clarifies how a relationship works and how it feels to engage in it. It also encourages both parties to share perspectives, core values, hopes, and fears for the partnership with honesty and transparency.
When strong alliances are designed, both parties share their desires for the relationship, creating a comfortable space later to communicate any missteps, conflicts, or agreement violations that may arise over time.
While our culture insists that somehow productive relationships (familial, romantic, or professional) should happen effortlessly and without explicit design, an intentional discussion of expectations and relational rhythms is inevitably what produces healthy and productive long-term success.
When you are in a relationship, whether a marriage, business partnership, or even a short-term relationship with a new consultant, coworker, or friend, designing alliances can be an invaluable part of taking responsibility for creating the conditions you want to experience. This proactive approach will ultimately have a positive impact on your mental and emotional health and other relationships as well.
How to Design an Alliance
The key components of a designed alliance include:
- Both parties sharing honest and open feedback
- Keeping the designed alliance ongoing
- Both parties agreeing to adhere to the terms
At first, designing alliances can feel awkward — it takes courage to pursue relational health. What are you willing to risk for the sake of improving the relationship? Find a way to propose a conversation that makes sense for your partnership. Maybe it is an informal check-in, a discussion about expectation setting, or a conversation about a shared vision for the present or the future.
Helpful Design Process
Whether you are developing a vocational leadership relationship or a more personal one, the following points can help both parties approach the process as clearly and effectively as possible:
- Plant a stake in the ground. When you propose a conversation to design an alliance, pre-schedule a dedicated time free from distractions.
- Lay the groundwork. Begin the conversation by communicating that you care about the success of the relationship/partnership. Be clear that the goal is to ensure the relationship works well for both of you by having a conversation about the desires each of you has for it. Approach the conversation with openness and curiosity, allowing each party to share expectations and hopes and build a shared vision for your partnership.
- Give prompts to help open the conversation. Start by qualifying how you want the relationship to function, then brainstorm specific expectations or tools to help you. Use “I” statements and share from your perspective, leading with the positive parts of what you experience and/or hope for in the relationship. Then turn it to the other person to fill in their perspective. Some sample prompts/guiding questions could be:
- How do you want this relationship to feel?
- How much time do you want to dedicate to it?
- How does it fit in with the rest of your life?
- What do you love about it?
- What about how we relate with each other already works well for you?
- What could be better?
- What unarticulated expectations do you have for this partnership?
- What rhythms, patterns, and regular touch points will you need, or do you think will be helpful?
- What mechanisms for communication work well for you now?
- What do you know about your triggers?
- Where do you anticipate you will get derailed?
- What do you know about how you resolve conflict?
- How do you want us to handle conflict in this relationship?
- What core values do we share?
- What parts of who we are together are most important to you as a person?
Design Your Own
As you embark upon an alliance-defining conversation, you can both agree to the terms of the (re)designed alliance and make clear that the conversation is open and ongoing. You can articulate when you will next check in with each other, and establish a mechanism for communicating when the partnership needs some tending to.
When you take courage and open up conversations about your relationships with the people in your life, you will find that people breathe a sigh of relief. Bringing expectations to the surface can be hard work, but the payoff is engaging in clean, clear, and intimate relationships that are flexible, transparent, and fulfilling for everyone.
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