How to navigate and include difference

People are different from each other. In fact, each person is their own microcosm. That’s what makes leading and coaching others so complex and difficult and interesting. Since people don’t always act or think the same, their beliefs and opinions may not align with each other. Yet when included, these differences can birth new ideas, creativity and help organizations understand their clients better. 

Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could download another person’s lived experiences in order to understand and relate to them fully?  

In an interview with Jimmy Fallon, Hasan Minhaj an American comedian, captured this conundrum in a story he shared. The story was about how his Caucasian therapist did not understand him culturally.

“It’s like watching Game of Thrones with your dad, only you started at season 7 and he asks, ‘What are white walkers?’”

Hasan then says, “how do I get you up to speed?”

So how do we get up to speed with our clients and navigate our differences? We can start by examining our own filters, biases and assumptions, because these are the lenses through which we view people and events. Based on these viewpoints, we form opinions and make our decisions about how the world is or should be. 

When our lenses do not align, we might prevent ourselves or the other person from bringing all of themselves to the table. Many times, without this examination we are not even aware that we’ve shut each other down. 

Come to think of it, isn’t that exactly what we aim to do in coaching? We partner with our clients so they can step back and become aware of their filters, biases and assumptions about themselves and the world around them.

This fosters our client’s ability to dream beyond what their parents or teachers or society tells them is the most they can reach for. To make conscious choices rather than fall in with others’ expectations or values. And be cognizant of their triggers so they create the experiences and lives they wish rather than live in patterns based on their ancestral past that might be restrictive and limiting.

Here are some ways that we can include differences.

• The most important concept for inclusion is self-management. Let’s do our own work to learn about the systemic forces that shape our society so our clients don’t have to take on the additional emotional cost of educating us about the world we live in. We tend to surround ourselves with people who look like us, work with us, have attended the same schools or live in the same neighbourhoods. With this lack of diversity, we might be living in a bubble and not seeing what people from different backgrounds face in their everyday lives that is just not part of our lexicon.

Our clients have rich lived experiences based on where they or their parents grew up, their culture, gender, socio-economic status, race and other identities. These experiences have shaped them and form the lens through which they view the world.

• Once we set aside our own lenses, we can listen with curiosity to their view of the world, their struggles. We stay open so that we don’t add our lens on top of theirs.

“What is really going on for you?”

“What does this mean to you?”

“What is important about this?” 

As we ask these powerful questions, we hold up a mirror so our clients uncover their assumptions, beliefs or saboteurs. This opens them to consciously choose the belief or mindset that would help open up new ways of thinking, and tap into creative ideas in order to find the solutions that will work for them.

• The third way is to avoid the trap of colluding with these perspectives. They are all-encompassing and “just the way things are” and so we might buy into them along with our clients.

As a coach who has emigrated twice and is a woman of color, many clients choose to work with me because they think I will understand what they are going through either because of their gender or color or the fact they or their parents were immigrants. Yet it is up to me to make sure I’m not colluding with them or buying into an all-encompassing static viewpoint that then has my clients only able to access a limited set of actions and behaviors. My work is to keep my viewpoint on any topic as clear as possible, so I can support them to go deeper and ask themselves

“Even if it has always been this way. Is this the way for me?”

“What do I value?”

“What do I really want?”

“How does this part of me fit into the bigger picture?”

By listening with curiosity and no judgement to which part of the client is speaking at that moment, we can help the client become aware of whether the story is helpful to move them forward or making them stay stuck.  

• Many times, the world views your clients through a filter that can either give more or less access to opportunities. They might be facing headwinds or tailwinds, and holding them to what we assume is available to everyone does them a disservice. Offer them the gift of believing their experiences without them having to prove these systemic forces exist. Allow these perspectives to be shared without colluding to keep them in place.

“Challenge yourself to hear their experience without questioning its expression. Avoid being the tone police.” 
― Dolly Chugh, The Person You Mean to Be: How Good People Fight Bias

For our clients the impact of being heard in this way is self-awareness and the choice to step powerfully into their self-authority and envision how they want to show up in the world. This inspires them into the right action and accountability.  

I remember a few years ago when I was struggling with the sense that I didn’t belong in an organization. I had such different points of view and my take on world events seemed miles apart from my colleagues.

I wondered “Is it me? What are they seeing that I just don’t get?”

My coach asked me to sense where this way of seeing was coming from. I had not connected the dots until I looked back at  my history. Of course, I thought differently from my colleagues! I was of Indian ancestry, born in Kenya, lived in England during my teen years and now lived in Canada. I realized that it was not me or them. When I shared my different points of view and where they came from, our discussions became a rich exploration of what lay underneath the positions and stands we took.  Although we didn’t agree on everything it allowed us to hear each other and I felt a sense of belonging.

Coaching can offer a safe space for clients to bring all of themselves and set aside the masks that they might have to wear elsewhere. It takes vulnerability and courage to show all of oneself to another and to be fully seen. When we include the whole person, it allows us to access the wisdom from the different parts of the self and include it rather than brush it aside.

Let’s create this safe space by being open to not fully understanding, respecting and including our differences while withholding judgement.